Too much support and help from a parent can frustrate a child, who wants an opportunity to do the work. Too little support can push kids over the edge of frustration. Ways to find the right balance for your child include:

• Ask them, for example: “How do you want to show or tell me you want my help with a word?”

• Tell them, for example: “I will always give you time to solve it yourself unless I know it’s a very tricky word, and then I’ll give it to you so we can keep the story moving.”

• Normalize, for example: “It’s expected that you’ll pause on words with letter-sounds you have just learned and need a moment to solve them. I’ll give you that moment to work it out.” or “It's expected that you might get stuck on words with letter-sounds you haven’t been taught yet and need my help. I’ll tell you what the letter pattern says and then you can blend it and we’ll keep on trucking.”

Make the work playful and game-like, especially if it’s skills-based reading work. Tailor this to appeal to what your kid likes.

Convey through your voice that this is fun, that you are proud, and that any mistakes your child makes are not a big deal. When your tone suggests the work is very serious, or that you are worried, or that your child has done something wrong, it’s hard to keep the time playful and fun.

Take a break when needed – don’t push on if you see your child is getting frustrated or tired.

This could mean literally taking a break from reading to do something else.

Or, it could mean letting your child take a quick break from doing the reading. You take a turn reading, while your child listens. After a page or two, your child could take back over.

If big feelings do blow up, help your child regulate and manage through things like:

• Get eye level with your child, to maintain human connection

• Deep breathing, to slow the heart rate

• Mirror back what your hear your child saying, to allow for their feeling

• Gentle touch to your child’s arm or back, or hugs, if that is something your child prefers, to demonstrate human connection

• Hold your boundaries on the behaviors you won’t accept, even as you allow whatever feelings your child has (“It’s okay to feel frustrated when reading a book. It makes you really upset when you don’t know all the words right away, and you don’t like that. It’s not okay to throw your pencil. So, I’m going to hold the pencil and point at the words when we read again.”)

Show very concrete progress over time, as a result of that effort. For example, pull out the words we focused on 3 weeks ago or the book they read 3 months ago compared to now. List out the specific efforts they’ve made to help them make this progress.

If your child’s behaviors or feelings begin to activate yours, and you feel your frustration start to rise, know this is normal too. Tell your child you need a moment so that you can find your calm, and step away. Do whatever works for you to gain perspective (breathing, music, a saying you repeat, etc.). When you feel calm, return to your child.

If you have struggled to stay calm, and instead you’ve joined your child’s momentary chaos, always know you can repair this by saying something like: “I lost my cool there for a minute and I’m sorry. Adults can struggle to handle frustration too. Do you accept my apology? Can we keep reading?”